WRITERS LIFEGUARD

The Odds

As with acting and singing, the odds against success in writing are formidable. No, make that impossible. The chances of us becoming paid and published writers are about the same as the winner of our high school’s talent contest becoming the next Madonna. Not. Gonna. Happen.

And yet, it did. Worked for Madonna Louise Ciccone, worked for Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, and in considerably smaller and quieter ways, worked for us. We beat the odds.

And look at the odds we beat. 

Getting published in a big newspaper? As the editor of the Baltimore Sun said, on accepting (or maybe rejecting; it's been awhile) my article, “The odds against getting published in the Sun are considerably higher than getting accepted by Harvard or Princeton.”

Magazines? Worse than papers. Always were; now also worse than magazines of the past … just as papers, constantly downsizing and economizing, are worse than papers past.

Getting a book published? Can't be done. Never could. Slush piles — when there were slush piles — routinely ignored. And now that the sub-editor in charge of slush piles has become a teacher/social worker/naturopath, even that barely open window has been shuttered. “Sorry, but if you're not already famous, we aren't about to put your name in lights. Not even LEDs.”

And yet, and yet, here we are, still struggling, still bitching, still publishing. Even the dawning of the Digital Age hasn't felled us. OK, most of us.

But it has changed those odds.

Suddenly, the odds against getting our precious words in print have dropped to zero. We can blog and vlog. YouTube and Vimeo. Tweet and Pin. We can email (as I'm doing right now) and Facebook. If we have a book, we can publish as print-on-demand at little cost, or as an ebook for free on Smashwords or for $300 on BookBaby.

It’s once we’re in print that those pesky odds kick in. For blogs and videos and tweets and all that, the chances of getting paid for our work approach … well, not zero — even I manage it — are still mighty slim. When we’re defined as content providers, there’s rarely the concurrent assumption that content providers need to eat.

In ebookery, the problem is different but no less serious. Here, because publishing is now free or nearly free, everybody’s doing it. Try standing out in a crowd of a gazillion. Because yours is better? Dude, they have to find you first. Because it’s more topical? Dude, they have to find you first. Because you're you? Rinse and repeat. The odds against financial ebook success are insanely high.

Which is why it’s insane that I've just published my third ebook. The first, SKIING THE EDGE, might finally break even this year. The next, DEATH BY TARTAR SAUCE, has sold sixty-one (yes 61, no missing zeros) since 2012.

And now, TAKE ME HOME: How to Rent or Buy in a Hot Home Market. Why publish as an ebook? Because at 9,000 words, it’s probably too short for a traditional publisher. Why go with BookBaby for $300 rather than Smashwords for $0? Because BookBaby automatically gets it onto Amazon, has excellent phone support, takes no cut of my profits (assuming there are profits), and because I've worked with them before.

But still — why buck these terrible odds and publish an ebook at all?

Because I'm insane — insanely optimistic. And, I'm insanely determined to make this one work. A big reason for the success of Madonna Louise Ciccone, and Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta is that they share insane determination.

Just in case you're considering strolling down that same yellow brick e-road, here's a partial list of what I've done so far, some of what you'll probably have to do, too …

·      Made a minute-short promotional minimovie about it

·      Wrote a blurb

·      Wrote two articles about finding home in a hot market (neither yet published)

·      Blogged about it on my (paid) blog

·      Encouraged/implored/begged friends & colleagues to rate and review it on Amazon …

·      And/or to review it themselves

·      Asked my college and high school alumni outlets to give it a plug

·      Tweeted, Facebooked, Linkedined about the book

·      Created a Facebook page for it called Hot Home Market

·      Announced it to the writers’ groups of which I'm a member

·      Talked about it on Radio New Zealand

·      Told librarians about it

·      Spent several hours on free webinars on making books succeed in the Digital Age

·      And asked groups I've started, including this one, to buy/rate/review/publicize/bring ink. And to rate and review it on Amazon.

Is it working? Too early to tell. If you have other ideas, please share. 

And if you're willing to buy/rate/review/publicize/bring ink/rate and/or review on Amazon, please, please don't hesitate. Do. It. Now. (If you let me know, I’ll gladly rush you one of my earlier e-tomes, your choice of ski mayhem or travel mayhem.)

Or, if you'd rather I send you a copy of TAKE ME HOME, I’ll do that now.

And in case you're wondering, no, I don't hate publicizing; I just like writing much, much better. But like it or not, if this e-puppy’s gonna grow, it will only be because I've fed it. 

I offer you the same advice.

— jules

WRITER’S LIFEGUARD

TOM LAZARUS, screenwriter and author of SECRETS OF FILM WRITING, asks, “What’s with the Lifeguard?”

It’s a tribute to my favorite union-organizing song, Miner’s Lifeguard. Here are some of the lyrics:

Miner's life is like a sailor's.

'Board a ship to cross the waves.

Ev'ry day his life's in danger,

Still he ventures being brave.

Watch the rocks, they're falling daily.

Careless miners always fail.

Keep your hand upon the dollar

And your eye upon the scale.

chorus: Union miners stand together,

Heed no operator's tale,

Keep your hand upon the dollar,

And your eye upon the scale.

You've been docked and docked, my boys,

You've been loading two to one;

What have you to show for working

Since this mining has begun?

Overalls and cans for rockers,

In your shanties, sleep on rails.

Keep your hand upon the dollar

And your eye upon the scale.

In conclusion, bear in memory,

Keep the password in your mind:

God provides for every nation

When in union they combine.

Stand like men and linked together,

Victory for you'll prevail,

Keep your hand upon the dollar

And your eye upon the scale.

If you want it reverbing through your brain as it has been through mine since forever, drop 99 cents on iTunes, and you'll be singing it too. And while I still don’t exactly know what “cans for rockers” means, I love the song… and I see parallels between miners’ lives and writers’.

No, we aren't faced with falling rocks, just falling incomes. Like miners in the years before unions, we produce the goods and others profit from them. Who's to blame? Rapacious publishers? Heartless capitalism? Nah. I blame us.

Our poverty is our own fault; with the rare exception of the striking screenwriters, writers rarely have the patience to organize, the solidarity to cooperate or the spine to negotiate. Stagehands are better at getting paid for their labor. So are nurses. So are miners.

Occasionally, writer’s lives and miner’s lives actually do intersect. That photo is of me at the entrance to a lead mine in northern Idaho. Once inside that dark dungeon, I wasn't the least tempted to trade in my iMac for a pick and shovel.

Returning to the world aboveground (in a way) and the subject of ML2, Portnoy’s Complaint, here's a note from Michel Beaudry, of Whistler, British Columbia. Michel’s a ski writer who has spent the past many years trying to build a mountain-dwellers’ community based on shared stories. He writes: “I loved Portnoy. I loved his mid-century angst. But for me, my top three are Camus' The Plague, Kesey's Sometimes A Great Notion and Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow. (Paul Bowles' The Sheltering Sky comes a very close fourth.) These four writers truly taught me what it meant to tell a story. And they weren't afraid to take risks.”

Write on, brothers and sisters, write on.

— jules

WRITER’S LIFEGUARD

Happy birthday, Alexander Portnoy!

It’s hard to believe, but Portnoy’s Complaint is now 40 years old. That makes its protagonist a ripe old 77. How old’s that make you, mamelah?

Here's something else hard to believe. The book that changed the way an entire generation thought of liver is virtually unknown to today’s 30-somethings. (That’s Alex’s age in the book.)

I first read Portnoy when it came out, when Philip Roth was a young and rising star. That was, uh, some 40 years ago. I next read it just last month. Checked it out of my local library for airplane reading. Lite, whimsical, Mem’ry Lane, airplane reading.

Nononono. On the plane, by the bottom of page 2, I was ready to stand and salute. It is brilliant. Bold. Ballsy. Astonishing. Around page 70, Roth does a three-page riff on what it’s like to be a center fielder. How you walk. How you call for the ball. How you casually pound your mitt. How you make the tough look easy. Halfway through it, I realized that this was exactly what he was doing with writing. Making the impossible look easy and somehow sustaining it for 274 pages. As a writer, I worship at his temple.

Portnoy is, to me, one of the big four: hugely important novels with a huge sexy component. The other three? What’s your pick?

OK, here's mine.

Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Lolita and Fear of Flying. Great stuff. Changed culture. Advanced literature. I wanna re-read them all. If you're tempted, I suggest you, too, start with Portnoy. Roth holds nothing back, goes for the jugular, makes the strings behind what purports to be a stream-of-consciousness rant to a shrink as invisible as a moonless night.

If you were civilians, not writers, I'd add that it’s not for the easily offended. He’s hard on Jews. Christians don’t come off too well either. Blacks and whites don’t exactly shine. There's a lot of sex. And there is that liver…

Enjoy, mamelah. God knows, I did. I worship at his temple.

— jules

WRITER’S LIFEGUARD

FOR SOME TIME NOW, I've been thinking of starting a list for writers. We share so many pleasures and privations, sometimes I just feel like sharing mine and hearing yours.

But “thinking of starting” is a long, long walk from “starting.” Today I'm taking the walk. Why now? It’s thanks to Maine writer Hilary Nangle, who pointed me to this:

            http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mj5IV23g-fE

It’s a brief film clip from American novelist/short story writer/screenwriter/et al Harlan Ellison. In it, he’s talking clearly and profanely about Paying the Writer. Hilary loved it. I loved it. It moved me to take the walk.

I don’t anticipate that WRITER’S LIFEGUARD will only be about getting paid and protecting rights. It’s not just a writer’s whine. But this sure feels like a good place to start.

Miranda Moment: If you want off this list, just say so. No shame, no pain. If you want to invite somebody on, great... as long as you get their permission first.

That’s it.

In the unlikely event you haven't guessed who’s behind this, yeah, it’s me, Jules Older, in San Francisco.